submitted by: Jewlarious
The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.
"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?
Commentary:
submitted by: Jewlarious
An elderly Jewish man was called to testify in court.
"How old are you?" asked the District Attorney.
"I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81."
"What was that?"
"I said I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81 years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, 81," the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question and only the question or be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I ask?" He turned towards the old man and said, "Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one."
submitted by: Lio
On the short flight between Melbourne to Sydney, a young Jewish man found he had been seated next to a middle-aged Jewish man, and when realized that he'd forgotten his watch, he turned to the man seated next to him and asked him what was the time.
The man sniffed, adjusted his kippa, and continued to read his newspaper -- and thus ignored the man and his question for the remainder of the flight.
As the plane touched down in Sydney, the middle-aged man turns to the younger man and says, "It's 3:20 pm."
"Thanks," the younger man replies, "but tell me please, why wouldn't you answer me before?"
"Well, you know how things are. We would have started talking, and because we're both Jewish, I'd be obligated to invite you for dinner, and I happen to have a very pretty young daughter, and you could fall in love and get married... and frankly, I don't want a son-in-law who can't even afford to buy a watch!"
Commentary:
Marital Problems
submitted by: Ruti
A man and woman are having marriage problems and decide to meet with the Rabbi in order to prevent the termination of their very short relationship.
"Seven weeks," the wife says.
God in Limo
After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the F*****g Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciplines, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "late JC".
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE .
The Bishop was buried the next day.
A message at the copier machines reads:
Language is power.
Written language is more power.
Mis-written language is superpower.
Spielberg or Carlsberg, it's the same
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says:
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied:
"But it was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says:
"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies:
"It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies:
"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Acknowledgement: Thanks for the joke, Celia Kuching.
P/S:
This article was contributed by Nelson the naughty Sailor
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